Culinary Disasters

No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won’t hurt.

–Hunter S. Thompson

What is your death row meal (the meal you eat before you are executed)?  For me it is the sarmale/Irish eggrolls and yes that post was done on purpose.  Since this blog has been read its last rights and strapped into the chair.

Yes you read this right and this will be my final post on this blog.  I had a blast over the last couple of years hanging out, sharing my insane ramblings, sharing my attempts of horrible photography (if you want to say pictures look great check out a year ago), horrible grammar/spelling, and all the other joy and joyness that comes with blogging.

Ok in true Jeff fashion I am being over dramatic and I am simply just moving to a different domain.

As many of you know I started dating Heather from http://bodaciousgirl.com/blog/ all because of the BBA.  We have decided to try our hands at a joint blog and it will probably be an experiment to see who kills the other one first (I am betting I kill her first for screwing around with my OCD and moving all my spices around).

So please come check me out now at my new location: http://hecooksshecooks.com

p.s. yes I have done zero spell or grammar correction on this entire post as a throw back to some of my first posts on this blog so bite me grammar/spelling elitists.

Tags: All // 7 Comments »

When I think back of my grandma this dish is the first thing that pops into my head because my brother and I always begged for it.  Heck to this day we still beg mom to make it and I know more than once we have threatened not to show up at key holidays unless she was making it.

I do not really remember that much about my grandma so I am not going to get all sentimental and poetic about her.  What I do remember is her being an amazing cook and baker and always in the kitchen.  My mom swears that is where my love of cooking comes from and that the ability skipped a generation.  I still think my love of cooking comes from a love of eating good food but being broke so it was either learn to make food or lower my standards.

I wish I could think of some awesome cool things I have been up to lately but between work and yard work it feels that I have zero time to play catch up (well I still have to make sure to feed my video game addiction).  Soon winter will be here and I will have to bunker down in the house and suffer from vitamin D deficiency.

I still have been playing around with the camera and wondering does it ever get easier?  I swear the little picture window shows great pictures and then I download them, view in Photoshop, and the picture is not perfect but over exposed or under exposed (over exposed here).  Some days I have the motivation to push through, plate the dish again, and shoot until I am happy.  In this dish yeah motivation not found.   One of these years I will have pictures I can proud of.

p.s. Credit to my buddy for naming this dish Irish eggrolls because that is freaking perfect.  My grandma and mom call this dish gulstah and it is one of many variations of the Romanian dish sarmale.

For this recipe you will need:

• 1 head of cabbage
• 2 cups of dill
• 1/4 cup of fresh savory
• 2 lbs ground chuck
• 1 lb ground pork
• 1 cup rice
• 2 large bags of sauerkraut
•  2 cups of stock
• 6 cloves of garlic
• 1 onion sliced thinly
• 1 pig’s feet
• Slices of bacon

Steps:

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, add one cup of dill, two tablespoons of savory, and one teaspoon of black peppercorns along with the head of cabbage.
2. Kill the heat, cover, and let this rest overnight and a couple times add hot water just to keep the water warm.
3. The next day combine the 2 lbs of ground chuck, 1 lb of ground pork, and the 1 cup of rice in a large bowl.
4. Peel off a cabbage leaf (if they are not peeling easily bring it to a boil for a couple minutes until they are pilable).
5. Add in a handful of the meat mixture in the middle.  Wrap the cabbage around the meat and set in a large roasting pan.
6. Add the pig’s feet, sauerkraut, stock, remaining dill, remaining savory, sliced onions, and whole peeled cloves of garlic along with the cabbage rolls.
7. Top with bacon, cover with foil, and bake in the oven for a couple hours at 375 degrees.
8. Serve and enjoy!

Tags: Offal, beef, pork, All // 21 Comments »

 Oh fall how I missed you and your glorious ability to bring joy and joyness through braised dishes.  Oh hell who am I kidding our freaking summer was so mild it felt like fall never left us.

The lentils also were a direct result of the search to find semolina flour in this bloody town.  While wondering the aisles of the co-op I spied them in the gigantic bulk container and figured aww poor lentils I will fill my container full of you.  As usual Jeff fashion I buy something that I have zero clue what I am going to do with it (I really need to just take a week and work on hammering down the amount of items I have bought because I wanted to experiment with a certain ingredient).

After googling for a while and looking through cookbooks I finally started to say screw it and just start throwing a ton of stuff together.  The dish originally started out with chicken but in a hunt to find chicken in my freezer I spied a package of lamb stew meat.  I love lamb but for some strange reason I never give it any love.

So here is my final product.  If you do not have port fear not because at the end of the day it really did absolutely nothing for the dish that I could tell.

I am still taking applications for leaf rakers……..

For this recipe you will need:

• 1 pound of stew lamb meat
• 1 cup lentils (I used split red lentils)
• 1 onion finely diced
• 2 jalapenos finely diced
• 3 cloves of garlic finely diced
• 1 inch piece of ginger finely diced
• 1/2 cup or port
• 1 28 ounce can of tomatoes juice and all
• 2 cups of chicken stock
• 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon ground coriander
• 2 teaspoon ground chili (ancho and guajillo)
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne (use less for less spicy)
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon cloves
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/4 cup of plain yogurt
• all-purpose flour
• kosher salt and black pepper
• Canola oil and butter

Steps to success:

• Salt and pepper the lamb and dredge in flour.
• In your favorite Dutch oven over high heat add in the oil and butter and once the butter stops foaming add in the lamb.  Do not overcrowd the pan so work in batches if necessary.
• Remove the lamb once it is browned all over and set aside.
• Drain all but 1 tablespoon of the oil and add in the onions and jalapeno.
• Saute until softened and add in the garlic, ginger, cardamom, cumin, coriander, chili, paprika, and cloves.  Cook this mixture for 30 seconds.
• De-glaze the pot with the port.
• Add in the tomatoes, stock, lamb, bay leaves, and bring this mixture to a boil.
• Reduce to a simmer, cover, and let it cook for about an hour and a half.
• Add in the lentils and cook until the lentils are done (the lentils I bought were split so they were done in about 20 minutes so adjust accordingly).
• Turn off the heat and stir in the yogurt.
• Serve and enjoy!

I got bored and started screwing around with different angles because I feel like I always default to the same old shots.  Out of all the pictures I took this is the only one I felt really came out.

Tags: lamb, All // 25 Comments »

This boys and girls was the first of what I am going to assume to be many three day breads.  Yes you read that right from start to finish three bloody days.  Although actually it was pretty easy since Heather did most of the work and I spent my time plopped in front of the couch being a lazy bum.

This bread also is the first bread to use semolina flour (truthfully have no clue if this is a good or bad thing and I really did not notice that much taste wise).  I am hoping that many more breads use semolina because I uhh…somewhat overbought.  We could only find it at one place which was the co-op so figured why the freak not buy almost every bloody (yes I am in a Halloween mood) bag.  I may have left one or two bags because I did not want bad baking juju from being that guy.

Oh yeah anyone in Northern Indiana have kids who want to earn money by showing up and raking leaves?  I will pay in cash or flour.

Finally do you think I have enough flour?

Why not bust out the fancy panini press and make a grilled cheese sandwich….

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 18 Comments »

This dish is perfect for the serial stabber in your family.  This dish allows them to get out of their frustration safely and they would be contributing to cooking dinner which work wonders for a serial stabber’s self esteem.

Also, this dish helps ward off evil vampires that are living amongst us.  I still recommend that you sleep with a UV light generator and a couple wooden stakes (please do not forget the hammer because nothing is more embarrassing than scrambling to find something to bash the wooden stake into a vampire).

On a completely happy related moment it is the officially braising season because last week’s high was a wonderful 40 something degrees (without fail when I made this dish the temperature jumped to a joyous 60 something degrees but I just ate my bowl in front of an open freezer to get the full effect).  Do not get me wrong I love grilling season but I can grill all year long (my grills have a priority over my truck in the garage) but there is something even magical about a house that smells like seared meat and meat that has been cooked for hours and hours slowly (I need to bottle up the flavors and send to febreeze because I would kill for bacon air fresheners).

With braising season also starts some garden preparation for next year such as 8 feet of shallots are in the ground, 2 blueberry plants (thanks elle you are the best), and a 8×4 bed full of garlic.  Now just need to figure out a way to fast forward through winter……

For this recipe you will need:

• 3 lb of chuck roast
• 1 head of garlic
• 1.5 cups of red wine
• 2 cups of stock (I used veal)
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 teaspoons whole chili powder (I used a combination of ancho and guajillo)
• 2 teaspoons paprika
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 1 tablespoon fresh rosemary
• 1 tablespoon fresh thyme
• 1 tablespoon fresh oregano
• Couple good handful of mushrooms quartered
• 1 onion finely diced
• 2 stalks of celery cut in 1/2 inch slices
• 2 carrots cut into 1/2 inch slices
• 1 parsnip cut into 1/2 inch slice
• Red potatoes quartered
• 1/2 cup of peas
• 1/2 cup of corn
• egg noodles cooked to ale dente

Steps:

Stab the chuck roast all over and shove peeled whole cloves of garlic into the stab wound.

Cover the chuck roast with salt and pepper.  In a cast iron skillet over high heat add a squirt  of canola oil and sear the chuck roast until browned all over.

Once the roast is browned all over remove and place in the crock-pot.  Take the 1.5 cups of wine and dump into the skillet and reduce by 1/3 making sure to scrape to free up all the stuck bits.  Dump the wine, stock, herbs, tomato paste, chili powder, paprika, and bay leaves into the crock-pot.

Place this mixture in the fridge to relax over night.  Why the overnight marinade you ask?  I am freaking lazy, I like sleep, and I like searing and the idea of waking up bright and early in the morning to sear a chuck roast and assemble everything lost to the snooze button.

The next day turn the crock-pot over to low and let it work while you go work (8-10 hours).  When you get home add in the onions, celery, parsnips, carrots, and potatoes.  Let this mixture cook for another hour and then add in the mushrooms and let this go for another hour.  Add in the corn and peas and cook until they come up to temperature.

Serve and enjoy over egg noodles!

Tags: beef, All // 17 Comments »

Yeah for more bread baking (please sense sarcasm)….

I think this dough may have gone into favorite dough category because it freezes well and is ready to go within a couple hours after defrosting.  None of this defrost, bring it to room temperature, and now do a rain dance while clucking like a chicken for 14 billion hours while hoping it rises.  Perfect for us lazy people who love fresh crunchy bread at dinner but have lives.

Another selling point about this dough is that it is versatile.  You want focaccia it has your back, you want a baguette bust out your couche, you want a roll form away, you want pizza dress like Mario or Luigi and toss the dough in the air, and the list goes on.

I formed one of them into a pizza because I am burnt on loafs, bread sticks, and baguettes.  For those who are curious I did a simple margherita pizza with San Marzano tomatoes, basil, and mozzarella.  I still have three more Ziploc bags of dough in the freezer and I must know what is everyone’s favorite pizza toppings (yes this is a shameless attempt to pilfer ideas)?

Hmm….anything else I can ramble about today??  Nope I got nothing so pizza time!

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 15 Comments »

Roasting chicken is a constant reminder that I need to invest in a roasting pan.  I always spend more time and energy fabricating up a roasting rack but I have found a system that works flawlessly and rewards me every time with crispy skin.

The best part is I can transfer the pan right to the  stove top to finish the sauce, and the chicken is already on an acceptable platform for resting (yes I know I am justifying my cheapness).

It is also a sad day because the garden is about dead.  I pulled the last bit of turnips and carrots for the chicken and with a couple frosts already under our belt I am certain the herbs will die out shortly (*cry* *cry* *cry*).  I still have a couple pepper plants but they are not doing anything but sitting there looking foliage green.  Although time to start plotting for next year so woo hoo and get the garlic in the ground.

For this recipe you will need:

• 2 shallots cut into quarters
• 2 stalks of celery cut into 1 inch section
• 4 carrots cut into 1 inch section
• 2 turnips cut into 1 inch sections
• Couple handfuls of red potatoes cut into quarters
• Handful assortment of herbs (I used thyme, oregano, parsley, tarragon, and sage)
• 2 slices of lemons
• 2 cloves of garlic cut into sections
• Kosher salt and black pepper
• Pinch of crushed red pepper
• Couple teaspoons of chopped rosemary and a couple more sprigs of thyme.
• Extra virgin olive oil or unsalted butter

Steps:

• Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.
• Stuff the chicken with the herbs, lemons, and garlic.
• Rub the outside of the chicken with butter or olive oil, salt, and pepper.
• Take a piece of kitchen twine and starting under the tail of the chicken bring it up and over the legs.  Tighten and make a knot so the legs hug the cavity of the chicken.  Tuck the wingtips in too.
• Sprinkle the vegetables in the bottom of the pan and toss with salt, pepper, chopped rosemary, leaves from a couple sprigs of thyme, pinch of crushed red pepper, and olive oil or butter (I prefer butter).
• Put the chicken in the oven for 15 minutes and then lower the heat to 400 degrees.  Cook the chicken until done (165 degrees in the thigh).
• Remove from the oven and let the chicken rest for 10-15 minutes.

Serve and enjoy!

Tags: Quick, Healthy, chicken, All // 15 Comments »

Another week another bread.  Hmmm….yep starting to sound like a broken record.

Wish I could sound more excited about this bread but damn it is more bread and really hard to brag about it.

Heck to keep it exciting we have gone to posting out of order.

Anything else I can brag about???  Oh yeah I did my annual burn on my gas grill and I think I had a little bit of grease built up from the year.

Alright here is pan de campagne in baguette form.

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 10 Comments »

 Guess who is back errrr….guess who has been so lazy to post but now has a massive backlog of blog posts?

I do have a legitimate excuse this time because I have been on business travel in Colorado Springs.  We spent a lot of time working but did manage to get out the one day to Pikes Peak and wander around.  On the way back down there was a fox just chilling in the road and so I spent the next 10 minutes with a camera chasing him around.

One of my favorite shots of him or her:

(click to enlarge)

The joy of being out of town and away from your stove is all you do is eat out.  After landing I swore I was going to turn into a vegetarian for couple weeks just to flush out the mass quantity of meat, potatoes, more meat, and booze that I had consumed.  However, I felt it was best to slowly reintroduce green leafy stuff into my diet just to prevent my body from revolting and what better way than to shove the vegetation into a pork chop.

For this recipe you will need:

• Couple good handfuls of spinach
• 1 shallot
• 2 cloves of garlic
• Handful of dried tomatoes
• 1 hot pepper (cayenne pepper)
• 1/3 cup panko
• 1/2 cup of your favorite cheese (pepperjack)
• Couple good glugs of extra virgin olive oil
• Kosher salt and black pepper
• Pinch of crushed red pepper

Really complicated steps:

• Take everything and spin it in a food processor until it comes together.
• Cut a slit in the pork chops (I used 1 inch thick bone in chops).
• Shove mixture into the slit
•  Seal up the slit with a toothpick
• Rub oil, salt, and pepper over the pork chops
• Grill until the pork chops are done.

Tags: pork, All // 24 Comments »

Another week another bread.  Actually if you are following along you will notice that we manage to skip the kaiser rolls.  This was intentional because making an entire batch of kaiser rolls for two people just seemed impractical.  However, they will be made in a couple weeks for a buddy’s bachelor party that I have the joy and joyness of hosting.   I really need to start thinking about what in the freak I want to make for this event.  Going to be a large group of guys so definitely going with some pulled pulled pork, smoked bacon wrapped jalapenos, and baked beans.  Does anyone else have any guy food suggestions that is easy and cheap?

As far as the lavash crackers let us say we both we had our doubts about these crackers and made two batches.  Batch one we threw together and the dough was denser than dense and the dough violently laughed when a windowpane test was attempted.  We let the dough rest for a good 30 minutes and zero rise and it still felt very dense.  After about 45 minutes and no life in the dough we figured maybe we screwed up somewhere and time to remake (the joy of one day breads is that remaking is a lot easier than waiting overnight for some freaking science experiment to do god knows what).

With dough number two it was all five ingredients back into the bowl, mix, and it came together exactly like the other one which to say was a not beautiful ball of dough but rather a dense deflated basketball of excess flour.  Oh well might as well knead and surprise surprise same freaking dense ball with zero chance of passing a windowpane test.  It took every once of energy I had not to heave this dough at the kitchen wall and the only thing stopping me was the fear that the rock of dough would cost me more in drywall repair.  Sounds like the perfect time to open another beer (bread failures turn me into an alcoholic), cover the dough, and let it rests while not getting hopes up.  Of course we had to randomly check on the dough and gasp both doughs are in a race to see who can grow the least (heck I am actually think they went down in size).

Well after some more time we said screw it and busted out the rolling pin.  This is when the shocking result happened because even though the dough refused to rise it actually rolled out beautifully.  We cut, covered in random spices (cumin seeds, paprika, salt, sesame seeds, and what ever else seeds we could steal from the pantry).  Baked them and holy *)(!@ they rocked.  Definitely ones of those that I am happy we stuck it out.

As far as where I think it went wrong I have no flipping clue.  Only thing I can of is that the recipe was easy and only required one day.

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 23 Comments »